Friday Offcuts – 2 August 2024

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Welcome to this week's edition of Friday Offcuts.

This week, we delve into the housing crisis, climate challenges, and industry innovation. A new FWPA report and upcoming webinars spotlight timber’s potential to address housing affordability, while Forestry Australia’s carbon credit proposal could reshape the sector.

Internationally, industry collaboration takes centre stage, as Australia and New Zealand send crews to support Canada during their peak bushfire season. Additionally, the Australian and New Zealand governments are exploring joint climate action, we welcome the new Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries, and Forestry, and the MPI seeks feedback on the design of the new legal harvest assurance system.

On the tech front, New Zealand has launched new satellite dishes as part of SouthPAN, researchers have discovered a new wood type, and a hydrogen-powered fuel cell electric truck has reached a significant milestone.

Lastly, the recent Residues2Revenues event in Rotorua generated significant buzz. Stay tuned for a full report next week.

Read these and more in another packed edition of Friday Offcuts. Enjoy.

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Timber industry: Addressing housing for the future

Forest & Wood Products Australia (FWPA) has released a new report, “Housing for the Future and the Contribution of the Timber Industry”, as part of its Statistics and Economics Program and recent webinar series to increase understanding of the timber industry’s market potential.

FWPA is dedicated to providing the forest and wood products industry with insightful and timely analysis; hence the webinar series and summary report feature contributions from leading experts in the fields of economics, demography, and urban planning, highlighting the collaborative efforts needed to address the ongoing housing challenges in Australia. The report is designed as an overview and discussion starting point for the challenges and opportunities of housing through the lens of the forest and timber industry and its diverse stakeholders.

Housing affordability worsened in 2023 when interest rates rose, on average, by 125 basis points. This rise affected many Australians, including mortgage holders, first-home buyers, renters, and builders. Now, as housing demand continues to rise amid a supply shortage, this new report and associated webinar series outline key discussion points around how the timber industry can play a pivotal role in supporting the government targets for new housing construction.

The National Housing Accord aims to build 1.2 million homes over the next five years, and the forest and wood products industry is well-positioned to contribute through innovative construction methods and sustainable practices.

“The timber industry is known for its association with housing construction. Recent data on ABS building activities and FWPA timber sales volume showed that there was a linear relationship between dwelling approval and sales of timber products.” said FWPA Statistics and Economics Program Manager, Erick Hansnata.

The FWPA webinar series and summary report dive into housing issues from the perspectives of the property market, demography, the timber industry, and relevant associations.

“The forest and wood products industry has the capacity to help meet targets through innovation and improved approaches to constructing detached houses, units, and low and mid-rise residences that all store carbon. Applying best practices of modern construction methods, as well as expanded use of sawn timber and engineered wood products are just some of the opportunities our sector can provide for sustainable residential projects.”

For more information and to access the full report, please  click here.

Source & image credit: FWPA


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Expanding Australian carbon credits to native forests

Forestry Australia is leading an Australian initiative to expand Australia’s carbon credits across all native forest tenures, including State forests, private native forests, forests managed by Traditional Owners, national parks and conservation reserves. The Forestry Australia ‘Enhancing Native Forest Resilience’ proposal is a forest-sector-led submission to the Australian Government’s Emissions Reduction Assurance Committee EOI process for Australian Carbon Credits Units (ACCU) Scheme methods.

This innovative model is based on a growing body of published work that shows forests that are actively managed can have greater carbon potential. Under this method, active management means deliberate human care of forests through implementing practices to restore and improve carbon, forest health and resilience outcomes.

Forestry Australia President, Michelle Freeman, said there were huge untapped opportunities. “There is a growing body of published work that shows our forests are not only more resilient if they are actively managed, but they can deliver greater carbon abatement benefits,” Dr Freeman said. “Our proposed new Enhancing Native Forest Resilience method is specifically focussed on unlocking the carbon potential across all types of native forests – when they remain forest land.

“This would provide additional revenue streams for our national parks, state forests and private forests, specifically to support more investment in ecologically sustainable forest management, thereby enhancing landscape resilience, biodiversity and social outcomes from our forests. It would maximise carbon market opportunities to more landowners, from state government agencies managing state forests and national parks, as well as community groups, not-for-profits, private landowners and First Nations Peoples.”

The proposed project activities under Enhancing Native Forest method can be grouped into three groups:
  1. Restorative forestry practices: projects that restore ecological health and carbon through forest restoration and regenerative forestry practices where forests have been degraded by wildfires, pests and diseases, or other significant disturbances.
  2. Adaptive harvesting practices: projects that reduce carbon emissions and improve carbon storage in forests currently available for timber harvesting, while allowing for a level of ongoing supply of wood products, by altering timber harvesting approaches or resting areas from harvest.
  3. Improved utilisation of harvested wood products: projects that improve carbon storage in wood products by shifting the production of lower grade logs for short-lived wood products into higher grade logs and long-lived wood products.
Forestry Australia is pleased to have this opportunity to contribute directly to the further development and growth of the ACCU Scheme in Australia, and to present a proposal to the Australian Government that highlights the importance of supporting ecologically sustainable forest management for all native forests, especially in the face of increasing threats from wildfires, invasive pest species and other factors exacerbated by climate change.

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Source & image credit: Forestry Australia



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Australia and NZ send help for Canada’s wildfires

A contingent of 116 fire and emergency specialists from Australia and New Zealand was sent to Canada late July, following a request for assistance from the Canadian Interagency Forest Fire Centre. Facilitated by the AFAC National Resource Sharing Centre (NRSC), the Australasian contingent includes representatives from every Australian state and territory and New Zealand. The contingent departed from Sydney and was deployed to support wildfire suppression operations in Alberta and British Columbia.

Canada reached the maximum National Preparedness Level 5, with significant wildfire activity and firefighters and equipment in every jurisdiction put to use. Across Canada, as of 19 July, there were 717 active fires, with more than 280 burning out of control.

Australia and NZ sent to 2024 Canada wildfires

The Australasian contingent will support their Canadian counterparts for up to five weeks, in roles spanning air attack supervisors, strike team leaders, fire behaviour analysts, public information officers, heavy machinery managers and other incident management team roles.

There is a long tradition of fire management resource sharing between Canada and Australia. Most recently in 2023, the AFAC NRSC coordinated a deployment of 746 Australasian personnel to Canada. In 2019-20, Canada supported Australia during the catastrophic Black Summer bushfires.

AFAC CEO Rob Webb commended the Australasian personnel participating in the deployment to Canada.

“The drive to save lives and livelihoods connects firefighting personnel across the globe. Just as Canada has supported us in our time of need, we are proud to return the favour. We are grateful to those who are deploying this week and acknowledge their commitment and contribution,” he said.

“In times of significant wildfire activity and when domestic resources are stretched, international deployments provide great value for boosting wildfire firefighting capability. Years of hard work between our countries to align our incident management systems allow us to share resources effectively when required.”

The AFAC NRSC is operated through shared investment between fire and emergency service agencies in Australia and New Zealand, and the Australian Government. The AFAC NRSC coordinates and facilitates international deployments as authorised by the Commissioners and Chief Officers Strategic Committee. The NRSC liaises with the Canadian Interagency Forest Fire Centre to coordinate resource sharing with Canada.

Source and image credit: AFAC

Source & image credit: Tenacious Ventures



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Forest360 NZ market update - July 2024

Opinion Piece: Marcus Musson, Forest360

‘Survive to 25’ seems to be the new catchphrase around the country, especially in the primary sector. It probably wouldn’t have made a great political campaign slogan, but it does sum up the general feeling around the traps. July hasn’t delivered any surprises in terms of export prices, with another minor lift of around $5/JAS across the board. This brings the A grade price at Southern North Island ports to around $117/Jas, a few more dollars for Napier and Marsden, and those unfortunate folks that supply Lyttleton are not quite in triple figures yet with $99/JAS.

There’s nothing new in the news from China. The property market is still as big a problem to the CCP as Darleen Tana is to the Greens. New house prices fell for the 13th consecutive month, which has dragged the country’s economic growth down from a growth projection of 5.1% to 4.7%. This highlights the unwillingness of the Chinese populace to invest in property even though the government has released a hoard of stimulus packages including lower interest rates and reduced minimum deposits. It is expected that policies will continue to be relaxed but, with around 80% of the country’s household wealth held in property, and enough empty, newly built floorspace to rehome the entire country and still not touch the sides, it’s unlikely that we’ll see any significant increase in construction in the short to medium term.

It’s becoming more obvious that China’s fibre demand is shifting to furniture and packaging as traditional construction markets disappear. Southern China has previously consumed NZ supply at around 3.5Mm3 per annum, however, this has dropped to well under 1Mm3 as the region switches to more manufacturing and usage of the region’s short rotation Eucalypt species. The changing utilisation of our product is resulting in tightening of log specifications and less demand for the lower grades of KI and KIS.

NZ supply into China has dropped significantly in the past month, however this is only having a minimal effect on port inventories as uplift has tanked to around 55,000m3 per day from 65K in June due to flooding in South China compounding what is a usual off-season. Current inventory is sitting at around 3.2Mm3 which hasn’t dropped as quickly as expected, giving sellers less leverage for price increases. Shipping rates continue to be stubbornly high and there’s not much sign of easing with the continued ruckus in the Suez Canal.

More >>

Source & image credit: Forest360



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Australian forest industries welcome new Ministerial team

Australia’s forest industries welcome the new Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry The Hon. Julie Collins, who brings a wealth of knowledge to the role having held the portfolios in Opposition, as well as new Assistant Minister The Hon. Anthony Chisholm. We also thank The Hon. Murray Watt for his efforts improving our sector under the Albanese Government, with the rollout of several industry initiatives, Chief Executive Officer of the Australian Forest Products Association (AFPA), Diana Hallam said today.

“We welcome Minister Julie Collins back to the forestry portfolio, where she provided excellent representation for forest industries in the then Albanese Opposition, prior to the 2022 Federal Election. Julie worked closely with industry on the policy and funding plan that has and is still being delivered for the sector. We look forward to working with Julie Collins and Anthony Chisholm to ensure forest industries realise their potential for the economy, climate and communities,” Diana Hallam said.

“Furthermore, Minister Collins comes directly from the Housing portfolio and understands the critical connection between forestry, timber and climate friendly housing. As a Tasmanian also, Minister Collins also appreciates the value of our native, plantation and downstream manufacturing cogs in the forestry sector.

“Forest industries also thank Murray Watt for his service since taking the reins in the portfolio following the 2022 Federal Election. As Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry Minister, Murray Watt helped guide the industry through manufacturing and plantation grant processes that were set up, alongside delivery of Australian Forest and Wood Innovations (AFWI) and other initiatives like the Strategic Partnership. We thank Minister Watt’s diligence and attention to our sector during his time as Minister, as well as his engagement with AFPA and broader industry.

“Forest industries in Australia are still in a critical phase with the confluence of different areas of government policy, including climate change, the economy and jobs and of course housing. Forest industries are critical to all of these national and international policy issues. Under new Minister Collins and Assistant Minister Chisholm, we look forward to working further with the Albanese Government on the role our sector can play,” Diana Hallam concluded.

Source: Australian Forest Products Association


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Have your say on NZ's legal harvest assurance system

The Ministry for Primary Industries (MPI) is seeking further feedback on designing New Zealand’s legal harvest assurance system framework. In this second issues paper, MPI is looking to continue conversations about the operational details required to implement the system.

Legal harvest assurance systems are aimed at combating trade of illegally logged timber. It is estimated that illegal logging accounts for up to 30% of global timber trade and contributes to more than 50% of tropical deforestation in Central Africa, the Amazon Basin, and South-East Asia.

New Zealand’s statutory legal harvest assurance system will cover people harvesting forests, people buying logs, primary or first-stage processors, and importers and exporters of timber products. It follows the enactment of the Forests (Legal Harvest Assurance) Amendment Act 2023 in May 2023, which will introduce a legal harvest assurance system into law through the Forests Act 1949.

In preparation for formal consultation, MPI is using issues papers to seek feedback on the operational details required to implement the system. MPI wants to gather a broad base of views on ideas and assumptions that have been made in designing the details of how a legal harvest assurance system will work in practice. The information gathered will be used to inform options for consultation on regulations to implement the system.

Feedback on New Zealand’s Legal Harvest Assurance System,  Issues paper two: implementing the legal harvest assurance framework must be received by MPI no later than 5:00pm on 28 August 2024. The second issues paper is available here: Legal harvest assurance system for timber | NZ Government (mpi.govt.nz)

More information is available on the MPI website.

Source: The Ministry for Primary Industries



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New satellite tech will lead to fewer flight cancellations

New satellite technology that significantly improves GPS accuracy, has reached an important milestone, with two 11-metre satellite dishes switched on by Land Information Minister, Chris Penk. Known as the Southern Positioning Augmentation Network (SouthPAN), the project improves GPS accuracy from five to 10 metres, down to less than a metre – and in some cases to as little as 10cm.

“New Zealanders use GPS services every single day for everything from ordering food, to navigating the city streets. GPS information is also used for critical technical applications like coordinating an emergency response and air traffic control,” Mr Penk says. “As the project develops, one of the most noticeable changes for the public will be less disruption to flights during bad weather, with a significant reduction in weather related flight cancellations and delays. SouthPAN services will aid flight navigation, making it safer for planes to land when visibility is poor.

Only a few weeks ago winter weather conditions caused widespread flight cancellations, underscoring the need for modern digital infrastructure to support the safe movement of people, as well as goods and services.

Improved GPS accuracy has far-reaching benefits for almost every major sector, from agriculture, to aviation, forestry, and construction. An independent report estimated SouthPAN will contribute $864 million NZD to New Zealand’s economy over 20 years, through productivity enhancing and labour-saving applications, such as better resource management, more accurate maritime activities and real-time livestock monitoring through digital fencing tools. It is expected this figure could grow as new technologies and innovations are developed to harness SouthPAN’s possibilities. 

SouthPAN is a joint project between the governments of New Zealand and Australia. The Southland facility works in tandem with a newly built centre in Uralla, in New South Wales.

“Partnering with Australia improves our resilience and means if one station is offline, there is a back-up station which is crucial for safety of life applications, such as aviation,” said Mr Penk.

Some SouthPAN services are already free and available to consumers and deliver services that are 99.5% reliable. The remainder of the network will be established over the next three years.



Source: Beehive
Image credit: Lockhead Martin



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Trans-Tasman finance and climate talks conclude

NZ Finance Minister, Nicola Willis and NZ Climate Change Minister, Simon Watts, have met in Brisbane with their Australian counterparts, Treasurer Jim Chalmers and Climate and Energy Minister Chris Bowen.

The Ministers discussed joint action to meet climate commitments, climate resilience in the Pacific region, how investment and finance can be mobilised for climate change action, and how preparation and response to future severe weather events can be improved.

“In the lead up to COP29 where the New Collective Quantified Goal on climate finance will be decided, we will continue to participate in negotiations on how finance can support global climate action,” Mr Watts says.

Ministers agreed to a joint statement, outlining their plans for greater bilateral collaboration. 

“Unlocking investment to reduce and remove emissions from the atmosphere is key to helping us meet our climate change targets,” Ms Willis says. “Today, we have confirmed the development of New Zealand’s sustainable investment model, or taxonomy, will begin with the agriculture and forestry sectors. 

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Source: Inside Government


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Scientists discover entirely new wood type

Researchers have identified an entirely new type of wood that does not fit into either category of hardwood or softwood.

Scientists from the Sainsbury Laboratory Cambridge University and Jagiellonian University, Poland,  made the discovery while undertaking an evolutionary survey of the microscopic structure of wood from some of the world’s most iconic trees and shrubs. 

They found that Tulip Trees, which are related to magnolias and can grow over 100 feet tall, have a unique type of wood. This discovery may explain why the trees, which diverged from magnolias when earth's atmospheric CO2 concentrations were relatively low, grow so tall and so fast. This opens new opportunities to improve carbon capture and storage in plantation forests by planting a fast-growing tree more commonly seen in ornamental gardens, or breeding Tulip Tree-like wood into other tree species.

The discovery was part of an evolutionary survey of the microscopic structure of wood from 33 tree species from the Cambridge University Botanic Garden’s Living Collections. The survey explored how wood ultrastructure evolved across softwoods (gymnosperms such as pines and conifers) and hardwoods (angiosperms including oak, ash, birch, and eucalypts). 

The wood samples were collected from trees in the Botanic Garden in coordination with its Collections Coordinator. Fresh samples of wood, deposited in the previous spring growing season, were collected from a selection of trees to reflect the evolutionary history of gymnosperm and angiosperm populations as they diverged and evolved. 

Using the Sainsbury Laboratory's low temperature scanning electron microscope (cryo-SEM), the team imaged and measured the size of the nanoscale architecture of secondary cell walls (wood) in their native hydrated state.

Microscopy Core Facility Manager at the Sainsbury Laboratory, Dr Raymond Wightman, said: “We analysed some of the world’s most iconic trees like the Coast Redwood, Wollemi Pine and so-called “living fossils” such as Amborella trichopoda, which is the sole surviving species of a family of plants that was the earliest still existing group to evolve separately from all other flowering plants.

“Our survey data has given us new insights into the evolutionary relationships between wood nanostructure and the cell wall composition, which differs across the lineages of angiosperm and gymnosperm plants. Angiosperm cell walls possess characteristic narrower elementary units, called macrofibrils, compared to gymnosperms.” 

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Source & image credit: University of Cambridge


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From data fears to AI adoption

Artificial intelligence (AI) tools are common enough now that we’ve all likely experienced an AI hallucination. I personally wasted plenty of time trying to track down very plausible (but made up) scientific paper references that early ChatGPT coughed up when asked for “evidence”. Even without direct experience, the widespread reporting of many of the (quite bizarre) extremes of this phenomenon have primed people to be quite sceptical of AI.

This was clear in the feedback we received to our recent AI report and follow-up podcast, with Rhishi Pethe. It got me thinking about the significant challenges people see for farmers and their advisors in building trust (or not) in AI.

Regardless of how close we are to a complete solution for AI hallucination, the level of scepticism we’re seeing brings up another important question: to what degree does focussing on the not-yet-perfect elements of AI create more resistance to experimentation and ultimately limit adoption?

We’ve seen the same fear dynamic happen with farm data, and likewise asked about the degree to which these fears are justified, and the degree to which the focus on them has possibly held back adoption.

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SnapSTAT: Generating electricity - where's wood?

Here's an interesting (international) chart on The hidden costs of different ways to generate electricity. Savvy readers will note that wood is not even on the chart.





Source: Science Direct


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NZ’s first hydrogen truck hits 100,000km milestone

New Zealand’s first XCIENT hydrogen-powered fuel cell electric truck has clocked 100,000km – a special milestone celebrated by owner NZ Post. NZ Post chief executive officer David Walsh says it’s a significant event and one he’s proud of.

“NZ Post was the first company in New Zealand to trial the hydrogen truck which aligns with our approach of testing and adopting new technologies. As the truck’s odometer ticked over to 100,000km it added another milestone in our sustainability journey and another step towards our goal of transitioning to net-zero emissions operations by 2050,” Walsh said.

Walsh hoped NZ Post’s early adoption to trial and introduce zero emission technology to its fleet encouraged others to also do the same. It was the first truck of its kind to be put into commercial operation in New Zealand.

“NZ Post’s transport fleet accounts for around 45% of our emissions so therefore NZ Post is focussed on opportunities to decarbonise our transport fleet,” NZ Post Group Sustainability Manager Dawn Baggaley says. The acquisition of our hydrogen truck was made possible with the support of Hyundai New Zealand, Baggaley said.

Grant Doull, National Manager of Hydrogen and Eco Commercial Vehicles at Hyundai New Zealand says, “We are delighted that NZ Post saw the opportunity to invest in this zero-emission transport technology, showing their commitment to reducing emissions in the road freight sector. The 100,000km milestone demonstrates that hydrogen can be a reliable and efficient replacement to traditional diesel trucks with a longer range, shorter refuelling time, and a greater payload,” Doull said.

In April this year Kiwi company Hiringa Energy opened its hydrogen refuelling network in New Zealand – with an official ribbon cutting taking place at Wiri in South Auckland. The Wiri hydrogen station is one of three North Island sites now operating, with another 21 sites in development across the country.

“Hiringa are delighted to see NZ Post reach 100,000km in their Hyundai XCIENT fuel cell truck, this is a perfect example of New Zealand companies working together to create real change and removing carbon emissions from the supply chain,” Hiringa CEO Andy Clennett says.

“Hydrogen offers enormous advantages in terms of operational efficiency and productivity by allowing quick refuelling times and high productivity, a perfect match for the needs of NZ Post and their customers. We congratulate Hyundai New Zealand and NZ Post on the leadership they have shown to make this positive change a reality and look forward to many more KM’s travelling with zero emissions, this is just the beginning,” he said.

Hiringa’s green hydrogen refuelling network has stations operating in Wiri, TeRapa and Palmerston North, with a fourth station currently in construction in Tauranga (Tauriko).

Hiringa Network Launch

This project is a global showcase for the heavy transport sector and a great example of how green hydrogen is a practical solution that works in the real world. Since the official opening of Hiringa’s refuelling network in April this year the NZ Post truck has typically been filling twice a day, taking only 15 mins to fully fill, it has integrated seamlessly onto the refuelling network and has enabled NZ Post to deliver to schedule with zero emissions.

“The timing of this milestone coincides nicely with the soon to be released $30m government funding program for hybrid or zero emission heavy vehicles,” Clennett said.

“By being the first to run a FCEV truck in NZ, NZ Post have provided a real-world use case for fleet owners who might be looking to apply for grant funding under the scheme, allowing them to purchase their hydrogen fuel cell truck with confidence in its capability.”

More >>

Photo: From left; David Walsh CEO NZ Post, Catherine Clennett – Chair and Co-founder Hiringa Energy, Simon Parham – CEO Waitomo Fuels, Minister Simeon Brown, David Macleod - National MP for New Plymouth, Andrew Clennett – Hiringa CEO and Co-founder, Brendan King – Group General Manager TR Group

Source: Scoop, NZ Post



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Winning night for Taylors Contracting

Strong recognition of the contribution Brightwater company Taylors Contracting makes to forestry in the region was provided at the Top of the South Forestry Awards on Friday (19 July), with Taylors Contracting nominees winning four awards.

Forestry Department Manager Mike Fahey took out the Hero of the Industry Award for 2024. The award recognises Mike’s 40 years working in the forestry sector, most of it spent with Taylors.

“We love it when our people are recognised for their work,” Taylors CEO Charlie Taylor says. “Forestry is a very important part of our business and our success in these awards reflects our commitment to what is a vital part of the local economy.”

Taylors nominees received awards across a wide range of categories at the event which was held at the Trafalgar Centre in Nelson. It was a night of records for the awards event, which attracted 580 attendees (exceeding the number of attendees in 2022) and a remarkable 78 award nominations.

Taylors’ contractor Kevin Palmer of AC Palmer & Sons shared the Truck Driver Excellence category with Chris Dyer of Borlase Transport with Kevin also taking the big award of the night, Skilled Professional of the Year.

The judges said, “Committed to the industry through his family’s business, Kevin's dedication to excellence, commitment to safety, and proactive approach to environmental practices made him a deserving recipient of the award. Kevin’s reputation for delivering exceptional service highlights his exceptional contribution to the forestry sector.”

Taylors Contracting’s Heavy Equipment Operator John Brunsden won the award for Roading Civil Excellence which, when considered alongside Kevin’s effort in the driving section, demonstrates the organisation’s commitment to safe and efficient operations, says Charlie Taylor.

Taylors was a finalist in the Outstanding Environmental Management Award, which reflects the company’s endeavours to be good environmental stewards. "The environment is very important to our company and to be in contention for this award shows we don’t just talk the talk we walk the walk," Charlie says.

That sentiment was echoed by Tasman District Council Mayor Tim King as he presented the award for Outstanding Environmental Management. Mayor King said that the forestry industry had come a long way with respect to its approach to environmental management. This was indicated by the fact that Taylors Contracting had nominated one of its operators Jacob Ching for the awards’ Good Deed category for saving an endangered snail.

“While we work hard internally to recognise the efforts and successes of everyone in our team, including our long-standing contractors, it’s a real boost when we are recognised externally for our efforts,” Charlie says. “These successes are something we can all be proud of.” About Taylors Contracting:

Taylors Contracting is a family-owned business established in 1971 that employs more than 150 people. It is based at its purpose-built facility in Brightwater and has a regional office in Christchurch. Taylors delivers high-quality infrastructure solutions that work for people and the environment including civil construction, forestry roading and infrastructure, rivers and environmental maintenance, and quarry products and services. For more information go to www.taycon.co.nz

For a full write-up and listing of all of the 2024 Top of the South award winners from the night, click here

Photo: Nathan Taylor (Chair of TOTS Forestry Awards) & Kevin Palmer (Skilled Professional of the Year). Photo: Tim Cuff

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... and one to end the week on…the Ark

In the year 2025, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalisation is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."




And on that note, enjoy your weekend. Cheers.

Ken Wilson
Editor, Friday Offcuts
Web page: www.fridayoffcuts.com


This week's extended issue, along with back issues, can be viewed at www.fridayoffcuts.com

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